The effects of abuse

I've been a women's advocate at YWCA of Greater Cincinnati's House of Peace for two weeks now, and I can already say that this is the toughest job I have ever had. On some level this would be expected. Domestic violence and abuse are heavy issues to deal with; but remember this isn't the first time I've worked with difficult social issues. No, the toughest part for me is managing conflict within the shelter. With only 16 beds in the shelter, we are frequently at full capacity with women and their children needing protection. And when you have so many different people from different backgrounds living on top of each other, there is bound to be conflict. Believe it or not, residents don't always agree on cleanliness, parenting, meals, hygiene--you name it, there is bound to be a disagreement on it!

It's only natural that people disagree with each other while staying in shelter, but it's the way in which residents handle such conflict that I find most draining. Some women don't hesitate to raise their voices and get in each others' faces to get their point across. At first, this behavior really bewildered me. It's no secret that every resident in shelter has experienced some kind of traumatic, abusive history to get here, and I had wrongly assumed that this shared experience would create a calm environment with lots of quiet, soothing conversations among the residents. Instead, some women lash out at each other (and staff) during conflict because they know no other way to communicate. After years of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from their partners, some women resort to screaming and yelling because they don't know other more effective methods of communication. All they have known is violence, and it definitely shows.

Of course, not all survivors of domestic violence react to conflict in an explosive manner. Each woman is different, with different experiences. However, when conflict does arise, it's our job at the shelter to defuse the situation and model healthier ways to manage emotions and conflict. Unfortunately, this is often easier said than done, and I'm learning every day.